I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
