Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
