my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
