dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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