Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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