I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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