once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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