I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
