guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
