I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
