I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
