my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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