I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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