so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
