Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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