Where is the hickey?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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