Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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