she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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