Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
