Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
