My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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