Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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