I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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