my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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