I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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