The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
