I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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