im drinking this country out of the recession.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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