So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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