I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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