If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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