Duck Duck Cougar?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
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Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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