when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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