You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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