and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
