I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
