Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize