If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
