i think my tv is drunk
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
