My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize