So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
