This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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