so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
