I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
