but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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