and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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