9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Did I show you my penis last night?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
