i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
