Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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