I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
