She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
