Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
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I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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