woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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