just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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