I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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