So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
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You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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