Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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