Capitaan dildo arrescate!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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