I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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