bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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